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BlameI'm used to the screams and the yells,
But the words,
You like to re-open the fresh wounds,
To tear the scabs,
Rip the flesh,
Cut the veins.
I never get used to it,
The hole that opens up in my chest,
And seems to swallow me whole.
It never heals.
It doesn't matter,
You pull them off,
Cut open my skin,
Tear me to pieces.
I fall to the floor,
Tearing at myself,
Cutting the skin,
Trying to force the wound on the inside to show,
To become real.
You look at me in disgust,
As if it's my fault.
I don't want to,
But at the same time I have to.
You tell me that I need to accept responcibility,
That I need to grow up,
I need to act like an adult and accept the consiquences.
Like it's my fault.
I'll take the blame.
FallingWithout you I die a little more.
Faster every day.
The scars I bear,
Will forever bleed.
You look away and turn your back,
To you I reach out,
You pull away,
The light that used to shine;
Eminate from you,
Turns dim as you walk away.
The darkness reaches,
It pulls me down.
I'm dying inside...
This smile I plaster to my face,
The fake sparkle in my eye,
I act alive,
I'M DEAD INSIDE.
DifferentYou all want something different,
Something that's not me.
Pushing and pulling,
Tearing me apart.
I cut into my skin,
I change how I look,
How I act,
Am I not perfect yet?
I can change everything except for how I feel,
I want to be perfect for you,
But how can I?
-Nobody can be perfect.
Everyone's perspective of perfect is different,
So no one can achieve the perfect perfect.-
I'm bleeding, cut and disfigured.
You left me here in this corner.
I nurse my wounds alone,
And cry softly in the dark.
Hating myself for my stupidity.
Why did I try?
I Hate MyselfI hate myself.
All the anger, the frustration, all the sadness, the hatred
I have of myself
I dump onto you.
I feel shitty.
Why do I do it?
I ask myself all the time.
An outlet for my anger.
Not fair to you,
My anger issues boiling up.
Not anger at you or the world,
Why can't I change?
Why can't I be different?
...Why can't I be better?
I feel useless,
A waste of space,
A colossal failure.
I wish I was different,
I wish I could change,
I wish I was better,
Just to make you happy.
But no matter how hard I try,
I never can.
I hate myself.
AloneRip out my heart;
You hold it in your hand.
By letting you hold onto it,
I'm showing trust, but what do you do?
You tear it up and throw the pieces on the ground.
You spit on it and grind it into the dust with your heel
And walk away.
And I'm left there,
Bleeding and crying;
My Inner DemonHaunting, it's inside me.
Destroying, it's living.
With sharp teeth, it devours.
Strong, I rise up against it.
The deal is my soul or suffering.
The first strike is mine, but from there it's down hill.
It pushes me to the edge of insanity.
Tipping on the balance, I manage to push back.
But I never win, I never manage to land more than two blows before it strikes again.
With chains, this inner Demon of mine, binds my heart and mind.
Separated, they fight me.
How do I win?
Fair?I like how she sheds one tear and you instantly envelpove her in loving arms-
While I've been standing here for sixteen years crying,
My soul slowly being rent apart by my own self and darkness.
And yet, you give her a hug?
-warm and comforting, drying her tears.
MemoriesIt's all just a memory now...
I was so alive,
The music held me,
The beat of the drums, matched the beat of my heart, it kept my heart going, every time it stopped my heart did too.
The deep voice of the base called to me, it called to the darkest part of me and coaxed it out of hiding.
The guitars lured it out, lured me out and kept making me come forward.
The screams, your song, it woke the deepest part of me I thought was asleep, the part I thought was gone, dead. I was there.
But it was your voice that tied me down and kept me there.
I'm dead now, again.
I could see myself, in my minds eye. I was pretty, for once I felt beautiful, like I belonged. Like I was doing something I was meant to do. I was like you, all of you. The clothes, the look, the sound. You all brought me back to life.
But I'm dead. So it doesn't matter. I don't matter.
maybe one day I will live aga
MarksI take the mechanical pencil with no led ,
And I drag it down my skin.
In a line,
I press down hard,
And force the red lines to appear.
The pencil is a mediator,
I can have the pain,
But there are no scars,
There is pain,
I like the pain.
It clears my head,
I can think clearly after.
The red lines have a calming effect.
I have reign over my emotions, and it makes me feel better.
Across the street and down the road.
Xs and bars in red.
These are the marks I leave on my skin.
I Tear My Skin AwayI Tear My Skin Away
I tear this skin from my body,
Even if the world screams,
That I am only an illusion.
I tear the bones from my legs,
Through pain, I will grow,
Through suffering, I will become.
I rip the muscles from my arms,
These teeth from my jaws...
And with nothing upon me,
I carry on...
Like a broken puppet, still shivering,
Still forcing its way through the darkness;
I tremble for I am nothing...
And yet, I am moving. My voice still screams...
I draw breath into these tired lungs,
As I rip the flesh away...
And I shatter these mirrors before me,
With a voice that will not break:
Because the world cannot label me as nothing,
And I will live for my own sake!
"So tell me, is that all the pain you've got for me?"
Those Green Eyes (Or: Don't Lie to Your Kid)Those green eyes -
The green of joy
The green of hope
The green of love and acceptance -
Were always full of lies.
They first lied when I said,
After a nightmare at four am
When I was too small to reach a light switch,
“Will you ever leave me?”
And those eyes said,
Why did those green eyes
Shut when I needed them most?
"Are you okay?"
Would be a red line
That I would etch into myself
Those green eyes melted.
Those green eyes did shine
And I knew what it was -
I was young, not stupid -
But I indulged the lie,
For those green eyes.
"Will it get better?"
I asked one sunny Saturday
At ten in the morning
And those green eyes looked away;
“And you’ll be here forever?”
There were no words.
I made up my own affirmative.
Those green eyes -
When they saw
How I’d rubbed myself raw
You're beautifulPlease eat.
Are you listening to me?
If you are,
I want to tell you.
You re beautiful.
It doesn't matter what you weigh,
you shouldn't feel guilty about what you ate.
It doesn't matter,
I promise you things will get better.
Listen to my words,
Hold my hand.
Don't worry about the rest of the world,
It's okay if they don't understand,
How it feels like,
To feel fat,
To feel ugly,
To feel worthless.
You are none of those things.
It s okay to be chubby,
It s okay to be skinny.
Because you have a big heart.
And your smile,
Is like a priceless work of art.
And I don't want to see you destroy,
Because you're more than just a broken toy.
And to everyone else,
So for once let yourself be,
Accept your reflection.
Because you are the definition of perfection.
So don't worry,
Don't be sorry,
To be who you are.
Because you re,
notes on a matchbook love.if I were the type
to say how I really felt,
I'd tell you that
I hope you choke on your apologies
like they're arsenic
and your nails are already
with the poison.
I'd let you know
that I'll never be a body
for you to touch
just because I know that's all you want.
I'll never be a fairy in a bottle
at your waist.
this is no storybook, and
I am no myth.
hear my silence,
feel the cold absence
respond to your weak "I'm sorry"s.
I beg you,
stop digging the hole,
stop, just stop.
Hush and watch the flames
engulf the image you sold me.
you can tell me
I'm beautiful as much
as you want,
but I know that it's not enough,
that you'll always want more,
that you've been a wolf
between my legs all this time
and my fingers are bruised
from holding the leash.
now every time you whisper
"please be okay",
I will always tell you that
I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.
I will forever pretend
that I've grown up from you,
that I've become a mystery
What is Hope?Hope is something we have as children,
It helps us thrive and try our hardest.
Hope is what we express in the worst of times
When all hope seems lost.
Hope is what people possess in life
To work toward our dreams.
Hope is a lie
That's not worth our time.
I Know You're Strong, Let's Be Stronger TogetherI Know You're Strong, Let's Be Stronger Together
if i’m being completely honest,
i can’t say i know what you’re goin’ through.
and if i’m being frank,
i’m sort of afraid to write this
because i’ve always been unsure
if i love too much but it’s my nature
and i’d rather lose by trying too hard
than to do so without doing enough.
i hope you’re asleep now
and i hope you don’t read this
till the morning and i hope by then
things will be a little lighter
but i’m hoping against hope
because if you don’t know,
i feel when things are off.
call it intuition, call it a feelin’,
say i just know it.
my friend, my door is always open
even when you’re feeling closed
off to the world and right there,
i can understand that feeling well,
because i still feel we relate to one another
better than most brothers understand their sisters.
know i look at you as a sibling
and i believe we know when the other
I miss youYou are a ghost in my head
Living, yet you haunt my thoughts today
To speak your name
Would be to desecrate this space
Where you are, I should not care to know
But you are a never-healing wound
An unfulfilled promise
A chance to do no wrong
My memories burn with your taste, your touch, your smell
Who have I become?
Too long have the years been to me
To find myself wishing for the crossroads
For the chance to say no, one more time.
AnxietyAnxiety tapping on my door,
"Can I come inside your head?"
I shiver, not ready for its visit.
It charges in, smelling of worry.
Spends a morning, afternoon and night,
playing with my emotions.
A marionette dancing its old tune on rough strings.
Leaves me winded and praying to beat it the next time.
Death IsDeath is a black hole filled with sorrow,
Death will always come tomorrow.
No one knows when they die,
And when they die people cry.
It takes one person to say,
Tomorrow do thy worst,
For I have lived today.
Those who have seen today,
May not see the next.
If you know all there is to know,
Tomorrow you will not know.
Everything there is to hear.
All there is to see.
All there is to feel.
For tomorrow you will not know.
Keep in Touch!
scheinbar is a much-loved and well-known deviant. Just one look at her gallery, filled with enchanting photography, will have you mesmerized. A deviant for over 7 years, Christiane can always be found posting inspirational features as well as regularly commenting on other deviations and encouraging and empowering her fellow deviants. We are inspired and insist that you too stop by and congratulate ... Read More